0 apr credit card offer

HOW MANY CREDIT CARD OFFERS have crossed your desk over the past few months with "0% APR" emblazoned on the envelope?

OK, how many of those have you opened with more than a sense of duty because we're in the direct response business?

Financial institutions are slow learners. Every trade report laments that response to credit card mailings is way, way down, and the banks and credit card companies have to flood the mail to get even a trickle of response. Somehow, the analysts seem to blame the recipients of these mailings, not the senders. Their thinking parallels the assumption of the "catalog glut" of a few years ago: Too many catalogs.

Nope. It was too many dull catalogs. Too many catalogs whose pages never were opened. Too many nondescript catalogs, offering neither bargains nor uniqueness nor image.

I sometimes think the "0% APR" mailers have their creative work done by a corps of automatons--Orwellians in uniform, grinding out serviceable but colorless copy, interchangeable with the competition's mailings: "This-is-the-technique-our-type-of-business-will-use. They-will-respond-or-not. This-is-the-technique-our-type-of-business-will-use. They-will...." And on it goes, mindlessly, assuming this is the only way to be competitive--by paralleling what every other bank and credit card is doing.

And they all are. Fleet Visa has a "Fixed Intro APR on Purchases Until March 2002*" with that accursed asterisk on the envelope--the envelope, for God's sake.

Capital One follows in line with its Visa[R] Business Platinum Card: "Your introductory purchase APR is 0%." What's an "introductory purchase"? The next paragraph says, "This rate applies to all purchases you make with your Visa Business Platinum Card." I don't get it. Every purchase is an introductory purchase? (Incidentally, I don't like "purchase" as a noun in direct response copy. It's standoffish.)

My favorite, the Titanium Visa[R], keeps its lightweight image with "You've earned a Lower Rate for Longer--0% Intro APR" Oh? How have I earned it? The explanation doesn't help. It says "You should be rewarded with a lower, longer-lasting introductory rate. That's why you're invited to apply for the special savings of this Titanium Visa card. Oh? I'm invited to apply? Who can turn down such a sincere accolade?

Providian's envelope touts "0% Introductory APR ON EVERYTHING--See Terms and Conditions Inside." Come on, Providian. If it's 0% on everything, what terms and conditions can there be, especially since a buckslip you enclosed added the standard phrase "You've earned it"?

Bank One isn't to be left behind in this tortoise race. Its envelope says, "You deserve the lowest APR. Now you've got it. Introductory 0% fixed APR (See Details Inside)." Well, yeah, and why did you have to spoil it by using initial caps on those last three words? OK, OK, I'll open the envelope to see why I've been awarded this signal honor. Hmmm. Here is a standalone "Pre-Approved [1]." What's that numeral "1" doing there? Better look for it. Ah, here's the happy explanation on the back, in 4-point type: "In some instances, we may not be able to open an account for you. Please see the 'Notice Regarding Pre-Approved Offer' for details." Hmm. Where's that notice? Can't find it, even after wading through "Ohio Residents" and "Notice to Wisconsin Residents" and even "Married Wisconsin residents must furnish...." So they win the puzzle contest but I win the battle because I have the ultimate veto.

Tromp, tromp, tromp. Here comes the mighty AARP with its "0% Introductory Fixed APR (See details inside)." Even as I'm admiring the originality of this copy, I have a feeling they're somehow going to tell me I've earned it. Yep. "As an AARP member who has demonstrated responsible financial management, you're Pre-Approved [2] to receive the AARP Platinum Visa[R] card." Hey, where did that "2" come from? I guess I missed number 1. Oh, there it is, telling me I get a 0% introductory APR when I transfer a balance. Ah, a qualifier. Oh, well, let's sniff their number 2. Here it is, again in mice-type on the reverse side. Great news! "In some instances, we may not be able to open an account for you. Please see the 'Notice Regarding Pre-Approved Offer' for details."

AARP, come clean. You've been sneaking peeks at Bank One's mailings, haven't you? Or having them pop your name on their mailings? Oh, you never heard of merge/purge? Pity.

On into the fray. American Express says on its envelope, "Enclosed: Your ticket to the 21st Century. 0% introductory APR." Puzzling? I've had an American Express card for about 35 years. What do they want with me? Oh, they want to send me a Blue Card, which they call "the credit card of the future." And of course they explain, "You're already pre-approved, but you must complete and mail your enclosed acceptance form." AmEx, I just don't get it. I'll stick with my Platinum Card, "the credit card of the past," until you give me a better explanation of why I should be feeling blue. Or maybe you'll come out with a Molybdenum Card to one-up Titanium.

Is there any point wading through the rest of these exclusive pre-approved 0% deals? Probably not, because you've guessed by now how interested we should be in offers that smack of boilerplate origination.

Yep, you got that right: Our interest in these offers is...zero percent.

* HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. One of his books is "How to Write Powerful Fund Raising Letters." His 25th book, "E-mail Marketing" is on Amacom's spring list.