Business motoring finance

So many problems, so little space. It has become the weary slogan of Business Report columnists, who have been offering solutions on these pages. Publisher Rolfe McCollister has reinvented government without leaving his cushy chair with a view of city hall. JR Ball has told BREC how to bring back its withering golf courses, risking attacks from nice old ladies who live near City Park.

Reaching higher than them both, I offer solutions for Louisiana's people and companies.

* Dropping earnings have clubbed Shaw Group's stock price. Needing to offset a decline in its piping business, Shaw should sublease Chairman, President and CEO Jim Bernhard's new 30,000-square-foot house and open it up for tours. Who won't pay $10 to tour Xanadeaux, an automated manse with its own entry to the Country Club of Louisiana? To boost the home's mystery, Bernhard could peek out of his room once in a while, much like the elderly women who live in wings of old plantation homes.

* It will take years, maybe decades, to rebuild the local school system and stop people from running off to Ascension, Livingston and other parishes. In the interim, the city-parish can stop white flight by exacting tolls from people who live in other parishes but travel to work here. Charging $5 each way equals $2,500 per year from each worker motoring to work in Baton Rouge, which computes to $95.8 million annually for the city-parish budget. Use the money to build a beautiful Baton Rouge and watch the people come back to live in the parish. Meanwhile, quit building roads that make it easier for people to leave EBR.

* Police want a raise. People want cul-de-sacs and gated subdivisions. Sounds like a strange place for supply and demand to meet, but we are thinking outside the box and not confusing motion with action. Raise money for police pay by letting people bid for the fight to name cul-de-sacs and exclusive subdivisions. It's the old win-win.

* An underground movement is trying to recruit Gov. Mike Foster's right arm, Andy Kopplin, to run for mayor against Bobby Simpson. He's telegenic; he's Ivy League educated; he lives in Baton Rouge, not far from the State Capitol. Here are a few suggestions for his campaign slogan: "Reduce traffic, Andy will walk to work." "The Andy man can." "Too smart for the job." "Tough on the issues, easy on the eyes."

* Fred Raiford has become a popular fixture of morning television, but his haircut is old George Clooney. Going into Bobby Simpson's election year, Raiford needs a rakish makeover, much like Kathleen Blanco shedding her schoolmarm hair for a cross between a bob and a wedge. Mr. Raiford, meet "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

* Speaking of makeovers, the BBC is invading American television with a number of shows, from "Changing Rooms" to "What Not to Wear." Also on the way from the trend-setting network is a show that transforms an entire town. Cancel the Austin leadership trip. Recruit the BBC to make over Baton Rouge in just one season.

* Piccadilly, the company that reminds you of the school lunch line, is flirting with bankruptcy. Instead, the firm should combine what Wal-Mart does right with the fine dining rage to create the first discount fine dining chain.

Patron: "Pate Dilly with gazpacho and strawberry and champagne terrine, please."

Server: "Would you like a Bourdeaux with that?"

* Rolfe McCollister Jr. takes on Bobby Simpson. The publisher of this magazine wants to restructure government. The mayor says the media has been too bard on him. Let them switch jobs for six months.

MUKUL VERMA covers technology and commercial real estate. Reach him at mverma@businessreport.com.