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Byline: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS

The e-mail is typical: "Fast acting wrinkle reducer. Try it free. Click here."

OK, I clicked here. On comes a video with someone named "Lori Bacca, Age 44," telling me how I can look as young as I feel. Then comes Carol Robins, age 49, and a succession of others, pitching Hydroderm, a Botox alternative. Uh-oh - "Click here for your Free Trial!*."

Why the asterisk, my pet hate in any direct response offer? It isn't the $3.95 shipping and handling charge. Yep, it's a negative-option deal: "If you are enjoying the product, do nothing, and in 18 days we will send you a full one month supply of Hydroderm (after the completion of your trial). We'll bill your credit card automatically for the members' only special price of $49.95 (+ $6.95 for shipping and handling)."

As such offers go it certainly isn't even close to being the most annoying. This is because we all are toughened to expect a hook in any online "free" offer. And that's my gripe: Free offers that aren't free are so universal we know, as we look at them, that they're free with a hidden "if" factor.

So this one isn't surprising: "Which do YOU prefer? Dyson Vacuum vs. Roomba Robotic Floor Vac. Click here now to choose your FREE* Vacuum!" So OK, it doesn't say a vacuum cleaner is free...just a vacuum. Bring your own hot air.

I'm welcomed to MyChoice Rewards and am asked to enter my ZIP code to be sure the offer is available in my neighborhood. What a relief: Yes, through some miracle the offer is available in my neighborhood. And "By participating in our Incentive Promotion, the gift Dyson[R] Vacuum will be yours to keep."

Here's the expected asterisk: "*Receipt of the free incentive gift requires: 1.) Completion of offer terms, including age and residency requirements; shipping address verification; and registration with a valid email address. 2.) Completion of user survey. 3.) Participation in sponsor offers. Upon completion of participation requirements, we will ship the incentive gift to you with free shipping." And what are the participation requirements? "Complete a total of 6 sponsor offers. The required sponsor offers must be completed in the following sequence: Two (2) offers need to be completed from 'Top Offers 1' group, Two (2) offers need to be completed from 'Top Offers 2' group, and Two (2) offers need to be completed from 'Top Offers 3' group respectively."

Is anyone - anyone - reading this report even 1% surprised to see these various stations of the cross? That's my point: We're so unsurprised we'd be surprised if something advertised as free actually might be free.

Now, here's one I like! "Where do you prefer to shop? Frederick's of Hollywood or Victoria's Secret? Take our survey. Get $25."

That's a tough one, because depending on the garment I'd prefer to rip off an individual of another gender, each of those worthy clothiers has a preferred position. I chose one at random, and this was the unsurprising link:

"Complete One Offer and Receive: $10 Cash Instantly or a $20 Gift Certificate from Our Online Store PLUS up to $100 in Airline Discounts. Complete Two Offers and Receive: $15 Cash Instantly or $30 Gift Certificate from Our Online Store PLUS up to $100 in Airline Discounts. Complete Three Offers and Receive: $25 Cash Instantly or $50 Gift Certificate from Our Online Store PLUS up to $1500 in Smart Traveler Checks."

Yeah, the Online Store has a Black & Decker toaster for $54.99 and a 15-inch LCD flat screen for $526.99, and strange items such as Blueberry Cream Flavored Coffee (quantity not specified) for $19.99. I'm guessing that a copy of the Frederick's or Victoria's catalog would be a more appetizing "offer."

Supposedly I'm blocking pop-ups. Yeah, sure. Here's one that pops up repeatedly, offering me "A Free* Motorola Razr V3." Yeah, sure. By now we all know better, don't we? Get this devilishly clever wording: "The mission of Internet Opinion Group is simple: deliver free gifts to qualified consumers who participate in marketing promotions and surveys." Got it? Promotions and surveys.

Unsurprising as the asterisk itself is wording I'll graciously call an explanation, several clicks down: "*Receipt of the membership incentive gift requires completion of program terms and conditions, including age and residency requirements, registration with a valid email address, completion of a user survey, participation in sponsor promotions, and shipping address verification."

A suggestion for the preservation of money, sanity and any integrity still attached to direct e-marketing: When a message starts with an exclamatory "Congratulations!" run, don't walk, to the nearest "Delete" key. Something called E-zines begins its message: "Congratulations! You've Won All Of This:

*

A Free eBook.

*

$125 Special Shopping Spree Promotion.

*

Bonus Entry Into Our Prize-A-Month Giveaway."

I can apply for a loan. I can buy insurance. I can get a free CD by agreeing to buy more CDs. I can sign up for Gevalia coffee or Sprint Wireless or a mortgage quote. I can save $50 on menthol cigarettes (Huh?). Are congratulations really in order? Ah, yes, for this one - I can have 100% of my funeral expenses covered.

Chris Bradley of Cuddledown tells me he's passing up 25,000 Bonus Miles from United Airlines. That's despite free visits to the Red Carpet Club and a subscription to Conde Nast Traveler. Oh, just one minor point: "Start your Ameniti membership today for a one-year rate of just $295." And, as expected, "Travel must be booked through the Ameniti Travel Center, which may charge a booking fee. Other restrictions may apply."

Chris is applying his own restriction: Delete.

HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS ( www.herschellgordonlewis.com ) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Scheduled for spring publication is his 28th book, curmudgeonly titled "Asinine Advertising." Among his other books are "On the Art of Writing Copy" (third edition), "Marketing Mayhem" and "Effective E-mail Marketing."