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Byline: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS

Sob. I'm not going to have the benefit of my free "2005 Executive Organizer 2-Book Set" from American Express.

I could have used the appointment book from that set. And note the trigger-word "free." Well, free except for $2.99 shipping and handling. That's considerably less than the more than five bucks for shipping and handling the omnipresent-on-the-Web CD-ROM vendor wants for its free discs.

So why didn't I leap at the offer?

It was because I knew, even as I looked at it, that AmEx has once again descended into its bottomless negative-option labyrinth. Deeply hidden (the response device mentions it only in passing as "the then prevailing price") is bleak reality: In future years the set will come automatically, billed to my AmEx card. This year's "prevailing price" for the set is $42.98 plus the $2.99 shipping - $45.97. Next year's "prevailing price"? I don't get a vote.

No, thanks.

On into the muck: Deterioration of our direct response universe continues at a rapid pace. It's epidemic online. Offer after offer touts, then taints the once-legitimate word "free." That word, quickly tied to one of two other words - "if" or "when" - retains some legitimacy. But that isn't the manner of marketers who have no manners.

An organization that identifies itself as "Consumer Research" sends me an offer - "Free money to dine out." Unspecified is whether I'm dining out at Tour d'Argent or Denny's. But all I have to do is complete a restaurant survey.

Oh? Buried in a mess of text that reveals one purpose - name-gathering for rentals to online marketers who then will wonder why the list brings miserable response - is another little kicker, too wordy to recount in its entirety here but including just a few qualifiers from what the promoter calls, euphemistically, TRRC - The Restaurant Report Card - hilariously saying the gift card will be "from $25 to $500 in value to the restaurant to be reviewed." (Right. Most will be for $500, won't they?)

"To receive the free membership incentive gift card you must...acquire two advertiser action points from each of TRRC's three Offer Groups for a total of six advertiser action points. Action points are earned when a TRRC user fully completes an advertiser offer after accessing the offer by clicking on a link provided on the TRRC Web site or from the TRRC member area. Attempting to gain action points in any way other than clicking on the advertiser links provided by TRRC will result in the cancellation of your TRRC membership. Please understand that this means completing two offers from the Top Offers group, two offers from the Prime Offers group, and two offers from the Premium Offers group; you must complete and return an Incentive Program Redemption Form after accumulating the required action points. The form may be downloaded from the member area after you have earned six points."

But wait, there's more: "In cases of a financial offer such as a credit card, the card must be activated by making a purchase, balance transfer or cash advance in order for the offer to be considered 'completed', and the user must remain a card holder for at least 60 days. For paid retail offers you must accept the item/service and pay in full. Additional terms and conditions may apply to participation in select marketing offers. You should read the terms of each offer as provided by the advertiser for an explanation of these terms where they exist."

The boxing glove replaces the velvet glove: "Your gift card eligibility is secured as soon as you complete two offers from each of the three offer groups and submit your Incentive Program Redemption Form."

One more from the huge grab bag of direct misdirections, to start the year off in proper perspective:

How many mailings did you get from Citi and/or AT&T Universal Card, with a big yellow arrow aimed at the wording "Last chance" on the envelope? I don't claim to have an indoor record, but I'm looking at eight - yes, eight - that arrived in the same month. In fact, we counted four delivered the same day - three Citi and one AT&T.

That yellow letter day also brought two self-competing letters from Citi. One had on its envelope "What will you do with your $50 gift card?" I didn't open it until just now, to make reporting valid. Ah! It's a reminder to activate the Diamond Preferred[R] Rewards Card, which apparently came in the mail. Can I be so jaded I don't remember getting a Diamond Preferred[R] Rewards Card, whatever that is?

The other pitched, as an irresistible enticement, a cash advance rate of 19.99% above the U.S. prime rate...yes, tied to the Diamond Rewards Card. Much as I'd like to make a counteroffer - I'm willing to advance money to Citi at just 10% over prime - I guess it's safer just to hang on to my own cash. I'll save on multiple mailings, too.

Notice to Capital One: Now that I'm so well ensconced with my Diamond Rewards Card, how about easing up on your "0% APR" mailings? If I'm negotiating with Citi, it wouldn't be fair of me to abandon the luxury of paying them prime plus 19.99% just to take advantage of zero.

Anyway, your "Private Island" promotion, ghastly on TV and impenetrable in the direct mail package which includes a rub-off chance ("Sorry, this card is not a winner") that magically turns a positive reaction into a negative reaction, points out that the possibility of winning is one in 250 million. Gee, who can resist those odds?

Uh...you know who.

Herschell Gordon Lewis ( www.herschellgordonlewis.com ) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 27 books are "On the Art of Writing Copy" (third edition), "Marketing Mayhem" and "Effective E-mail Marketing."